I’m sorry, Britney.

Hey girl. You obviously don’t know me, and you probably never will.

Before I got well in my teens, filled with angst and a lot of rock, I heard some of your earlier songs. I remember you were different to anyone else back then. Your voice, your demeanor was really your own. There was just something about you…

I did not follow your career after that because I thought I was “too good” for pop/mainstream music. But I heard stuff about you. About your breakdown, your failed relationships and marriages, the way the media belittled you, the way they thought they could police your body (as they do countless others). I thought you were going to be able to plow through it, that you would be better off in the future. Boy, I was wrong.

When #FreeBritney started trending, I was in my thirties. A completely different woman from the disturbed teen I once was. Still a little bit disturbed, but armed with facts about myself I was able to see the world in a different light.

Listen, I’ve broken down too. I’ve had my share of failed relationships. I wish I had had your courage, but I didn’t. I guess I lived vicariously through you. However, no one hurt me the way your dad has hurt you. And I’ve been hurt, honey. I’ve been raped, abused, belittled, bullied, taken for granted, you name it.

When we come into this world, we come in with certain unwritten agreements. It seems we choose our parents. I had a hard time understanding why I chose mine when I was younger, but now I know why. And I’m working hard to heal from that.

Thank you for speaking up about the atrocities committed by your own family. I hope we can do right by you this time. I hope we can get you free from that unjust agreement so that you can live the life you truly deserve.

You just say the word, and we’ll do wherever we need to do to get you out. Don’t quit just yet. I love you.

Dinner for one

Today, I’m starting a new tradition. Since I’m recently single, I decided I will take myself out to dinner once a week. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, it could be a cheesesteak or a big steak.

Dining out is an activity I enjoy thoroughly. I love nourishing my body with tasteful food. I also love being in a comfortable setting in which I can just sit down and focus on enjoying myself.

I also enjoy observing others, their interactions, reactions, overall, I love looking at the very vivid fabric of life. This is something I haven’t done in a long time. When I am in a relationship, I’ve noticed I tend to focus on different things, which is not wrong, it’s just interesting to notice.

Flavors feel more vivid to me on these occasions, my mind starts creating connections to past memories that trigger different emotions. And since my latest pastime is reminiscing, when that happens I feel incredibly happy.

This is the first time in my life that I feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m not sure that I needed a breakup to do so, but it is part of my story and I intend to honor it.

So if you see a girl enjoying a meal by herself, don’t think she’s miserable and lonely. She may just be the happiest she’s ever been in her life.